Updated: Aug 31, 2021
December 19, 2019
I’ve been sitting on my couch by the glow of the Christmas tree, with my cats curled up beside me, trying to figure out what it is I wanted to write to you. My mind is full of so many thoughts that it’s hard to know what to put down on paper.
For starters, this year has been full of many milestones that I wish you had been here to share with me. From being proposed to at McCook’s Park to turning the big 3-0, and then unexpectedly finding my wedding dress at my first appointment, 2019 has been a crazy worldwind.
When I lost you ten years ago, I remember thinking the pain couldn’t get any worse. I was twenty years old, with 3 semesters left of college, a GPA to keep up and a swimming career to try and maintain. Months had passed before I was able to go back to what I felt was a normal routine, not filled with random spouts of tears and unbearable frustration about the way your life was cut too short.
Today, while I may be ten years wiser, I’m finding that I’m still just a girl longing for her mom to be by her side.
Spending my first Christmas season as an engaged woman, without you around is harder than I could have ever imagined. It was you that instilled the importance of Christmas into our family, making the season one that I look forward to every year. With every smell of evergreen, each batch of fresh baked cookies or a homemade wreath and red bow combo, I can’t help but smile. There’s a piece of you in every one of my Christmas memories, always finding a way to bring our family closer together.
You were the queen of entertaining, your presence filling the kitchen as you whipped up our favorite family recipes. The house was filled with holiday cheer from the hundreds of Christmas dickens villages to the winter stuffed animals that lined the staircase. My favorites were our personalized Christmas tree ornament boxes that you created for me, Rew, Fallon, and Ireland, each filled with a dated ornament for every year of our lives. Those ornaments covered our tree while underneath there were always a few extra gifts just in case we had surprise visitors. I was always in awe of your ability to handle all aspects of entertaining and make it look flawless.
This year as I continue to plan events for my career while also planning my wedding, I am thankful for all of the event planning skills that I absorbed from you over the years. Thank you for gifting me your organization skills, attentiveness to detail and desire to satisfy all guests needs. Despite all the stress that comes and goes, I work to live by the words you gifted me in 2009, “just remember to have fun along the way.” I can only hope that when my wedding date rolls around, you’ll be as proud of me as you would be if you were standing by my side.
Merry Christmas, Mom.